A Little on Thinking
Usually I'm a ponderer, spending long hours musing about life and all that it encompasses, contemplating the meaning of our many and varried existences. But, amidst the activites of my Austrian existence, I've found that I don't spend quite so much time pondering.
Sometimes it feels funny not to ponder, but at the same times it a refreshing feeling because for me the pondering frequently turns to worry and the worry eats at my brain filling my mind with fears about what this life has in store for me. There is a part of me, which I imagine makes up a part in every human brain, that can't let the pondering turn into wonder and instead turns the nonchalant musing into very real fears.
It struck me strangely this morning that it took me 20 years and traveling sevearl thousand miles from home to get to a point where worrying didn't make up a significant part of my mental exertions. They just are not present all the time, and it's not that there aren't things that I could worry about, there's plenty that could go wrong in any given day, its just that I don't care to worry. I came here with the mindset that this was all about the experience I would have here, and I wasn't going to let cares and feelings of dissapointment get in the way of my enjoying this opportunity. I was determined that whether the experience was good or bad I was going to find all the positive parts of my time abroad and relish the nuances of this other existence that would become a part of who I am.
Perhaps the lack of worry stems from knowing what I am doing here and seeing the end before it is here. It's like running in the mornings, when I have a certain amount of time to fill I am always anxious about how long I have been gone for, but when a distance is the goal and I can work towards reaching the U-Bahn station rather than filling up 45 or 50 minutes, I enjoy the process of running because know how the process will unfold itself. It is like that here, I know that my end goal is a plane that will take me home again, and I spend my days working towards that, I go to class and do my best to learn and absorb the language I am here to study, I go out with friends and all the while I know that each day, just like each step of my morning run, brings me closer to the flight home. Knowing the end, or at least believing that I know the end, allows me the peace of mind to take each part of this journey one step at a time and savour the uniqueness of each moment.
Sometimes it feels funny not to ponder, but at the same times it a refreshing feeling because for me the pondering frequently turns to worry and the worry eats at my brain filling my mind with fears about what this life has in store for me. There is a part of me, which I imagine makes up a part in every human brain, that can't let the pondering turn into wonder and instead turns the nonchalant musing into very real fears.
It struck me strangely this morning that it took me 20 years and traveling sevearl thousand miles from home to get to a point where worrying didn't make up a significant part of my mental exertions. They just are not present all the time, and it's not that there aren't things that I could worry about, there's plenty that could go wrong in any given day, its just that I don't care to worry. I came here with the mindset that this was all about the experience I would have here, and I wasn't going to let cares and feelings of dissapointment get in the way of my enjoying this opportunity. I was determined that whether the experience was good or bad I was going to find all the positive parts of my time abroad and relish the nuances of this other existence that would become a part of who I am.
Perhaps the lack of worry stems from knowing what I am doing here and seeing the end before it is here. It's like running in the mornings, when I have a certain amount of time to fill I am always anxious about how long I have been gone for, but when a distance is the goal and I can work towards reaching the U-Bahn station rather than filling up 45 or 50 minutes, I enjoy the process of running because know how the process will unfold itself. It is like that here, I know that my end goal is a plane that will take me home again, and I spend my days working towards that, I go to class and do my best to learn and absorb the language I am here to study, I go out with friends and all the while I know that each day, just like each step of my morning run, brings me closer to the flight home. Knowing the end, or at least believing that I know the end, allows me the peace of mind to take each part of this journey one step at a time and savour the uniqueness of each moment.
posted by Bethany | 11:48 PM
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